The Little Music Maker

I’ve grown to realise that the mid-20s are pretty much a goal-getter, career focused, money-minded and status-getter. I think most of us are going through this thingy about wanting to build a good foundation career base for ourselves that we often neglect the very importance of relationships in and around our lives. Somehow i can’t stand this self-absorb-ness that runs in people around u. Yucks! Where is the love man?

It was a good time talking to my friend who bakes fruitcake herself every once a week. People change and people grow. Perhaps i ain’t that simple, ain’t that naive and ain’t that gullible anymore and i do consider that a good thing. More likely i’ve grown to realise and to take hold of certain values and implications of life that is, to me, important aka skeptical and critical. Even so, i became more watchful, and more meticulous in certain doings of life because i’ve realised, it affects reputation a big deal. Even more so, when tongues wag like no tomorrow. Anyway, it’s still important to be 1) humble 2) teachable 3) have a good attitude despite all the damned that happens to people. Ultimately, no one is a saint angel in the world. Different people lead different lives with - to their own, the ability to strive, fight, battle and struggle. Just that some people just have an easier life, and others have a harder life. Ai ya, does it matter? No. Why? Because, to each its own what! That’s why God created some people taller, and others like me shorter, and some prettier like my best friend, and some cute, like me what.

Anyway, people told me i’ve changed since last year or 2 years back when things crashed. I reflected back on them and i could simply say, OF COURSE will change lar. And then u want the very cute little me with a quiet mouth that does no good? Aehm, i rest in peace knowing that having the security of being yourself is important so why bother what others do, or don’t do, say or don’t say. You’re good, you’re bad, does it matter? No.

It’s like Job to me when i read my Bible. Still Job chose to praise God. And i do.

Some people in the world having this funny thinking that perhaps i’m “always” not doing okay, with the act of a frowned eye brow asking “How is Eigene? Is Eigene okay arh?” Common man, i hate it to the core especially with that stupid “fake genuine tone”. And what’s the need of planning some set-up gathering of girls W their partners and having me sit in through staring blank in space waiting for the question to be asked “When’s ur turn?” Bleah. I’m not interested in such outings, it seem as though it’s a planned outing to invade into private matters, but exposed to public ears. No, i’m not going for such outings. It’s good enough without my presence. And like how my MD puts it, “Fair weather talk.” You’re right, it is.

I’ve been mixing around with guys all too much in my recent lives in church that i kinda get rawdy or roudy or whatever spelling fits. Yammy yam cake called me BROTHER just yesterday and my brothers call me that too. I’m roudy. Ha! Sometimes i think i talk like a boy, behaves like a boy but look like a girl. I’m like a gangster - the mini version. I have a set of mentality that girls are to be well-behaved and gentle and whatever sort of girl-stuff, i am and i have but it just ain’t surfacing out. Cham.. self-fulfiling prophesy liao.

Oh well, been rattling a whole long time about this and that and this and that. In this whole life of fun, i want to be the HAPPIEST and craziest party girl in the world! Okay, enough talk about the 20s syndrome of self-absorption. Yucks but i think i am also gradually becoming like that, focus on work and work and WORK until u wonder, cham, where are ur friends?. Haha, so it’s a WAKE up time for me to go look for my buddies to spend time. Okay, i will not be self-absorb and i will be loving no matter how chor lo or how roudy or how xiao char bo i am. I am going to LOVE YOU if you’re reading this. Extend my love language to you…. physical touch and gift giving and quality time!

Well i thought the emerge band did pretty well last friday. AND, i feel that i need to be more patient and more relax. Cannot kanjiong all the time and all the time, kanjiong. Very bad for the small hearty heart.

Anyway, 9 of mar is coming and i am looking forward to it. Because after 9 mar, i am FREE from my $1k spent on lessons. I MUST DO VERY WELL and then sing the song….
“There was a time when people say that eigene wang can’t do it… but she did…..”

And so lastly, i was reading through what Pst K wrote in his website and i find these something i should adhere to if i really want to be a good christian.
“The holiness of God demanded a sacrifice;
The majesty of God required certain regulations;
The honor of God necessitated a code of conduct;
The perfection of God expected the best of its kind;
The purity of God deserved freedom from blemish;
The sovereignty of God meant absolute obedience to details.”

So there are several things that i wanna change and i’d better work on it before i get old and grumpy!

1) I want to love people more
- I will make time to love people and i will not be so self-absorbed about my own life that i fail to build relationship with others
- I’m going out with my cgm on fri to shop at noon and then a wonderful dinner with my BF.

2) I want to be more patient
- I will not be so kanjiong and rush this and that all the time. I will be more cool-headed - i try.

Okay, that should be all. Let’s work on these 2 things first before i list down all my flaws that i wanna work on. Cool, i should work on my grumpy temper too. URGH!!!!
 
love everyone.

I think i am slightly crazy after i realised a crazy news about some of my students, particularly one of them…

Previously back last year, i was learning jazz piano at jazzpiano music school, whom LH recommended. I was sorta just trying to “kill time” in a way, before i fly abroad to US. I remembered a boy coming in, always earlier than his usual class, and he’d make a big fuss about playing the piano. His first song was turkish march. I remembered speaking to his mom and we had a good chat. Weekly, after my class, this boy would come in. I vividly remembered him and thought to myself “WAH, this boy is super notorious.” And i could tell he was better off a rich atas kid - demanding this and that. But, there was just this once that i was really nicely dressed with make up on and stuff, and he stared hard at me. And then his mom said “AH! Looking at pretty girl.” That was the last remembering incident i had. Soon after, i left for US and hadn’t continued lessons since, after i returned.

And recently, i had a new student who lived in high up on the hill near Ngee Ann. The first time i visited him, i was closed to just mere conversations between the 2 of us, to get to know each other. His parents were asking to have him taught by a home tutor instead of bringing him out for classes. He does lessons 2-3 times a week thus his speedy progress in music. He is hard to control, smart enough to question you and good enough to challenge you technically. I had the issue of playing some songs different from the way he does it and he would asked to learn new songs constantly.

This week, i had my 2nd lesson with him. Although i had a not-so-nice version of the entertainer, and his is a much better sounding version than mine, he learnt my version which surprised me pretty much. I was even more caught when he asked for my number, face book and even if i had a blog. I guess i’ve won him there and then.

I spoke to his parents about his behaviour and approach towards learning music which is far more different from the rest. The way he learns is the same as how Ridz would do too so i reckon i had to prepare many quick tempo songs.

Soon after, did i realised…. he was the BOY that i met at jazzpiano!!!! It kinda caught me by surprise today when i saw some of his facebook photos. OH i remembered him. It’s him! He’s now my student!

What’s even more interesting is this….
I think he needs a friend more than him having to go for piano classes which i think i sorta fit the bill since i’m so nice and friendly HAHAHAHAHA. Okay and he’s spotted by esplanade management team to perform for a charity concert on mar 6. The guest of honour is a big man and SUPER BIG MAN who has helped to build singapore. I kinda hope to be able to catch a glimpse of the performance too, to see how this new kid on the block is doing.

He learns just by hearing and looking at your fingers ONCE - exact melody, exact rhythm, although there were some times he does more than once. Yet again, his musicality and spontaneous playing kinda caught my heart. Indeed, i believe that God has given us each a wonderful talent, it is indeed our job to hone it and make it the best that we know how.

This boy is Harry. I am his music teacher.

This was displayed on the table and i LAUGHED my head off cos mr eugene and ms eigene do sound like brother and sister having dinner!

I dined at Orchid Country Club and it was a pleasant surprise for me cos i like the damn atas feeling of eating rich like a tai-tai. I want to be a princess forever. My bro said i am high class. Oh yeah i am and i make sure u r high class too. We should be high class and low class when needed.

Well, after dinner i had a nice bottle of wine as a door gift (but obviously i didn’t bring it home).

And a lovely red rose which i smashed it hard on the table and had the fun of peeling off the petals…. i didn’t bring home the flower of course! haha! Cos it died in my hands instantly! Okay, i know LH will say that i’m damn morbid and stuff. OH yeah! I am.

It was a nice Vday and i enjoyed myself with gene and we watched slumdog millionaire after that. Thanks for the pleasant dinner! Good to have u around, mr MOVIE BUDDY!!! What’s our next show and WHEN???????

So several weeks ago, i decided to bring my children’s home boy out again and this time, it’s to the esplanade. So guess who was here with me, at the outing?

I had a good fair share of buddies from all my close circles of friends - the girls, the muso and my brothers. Thank you so much for making time out to brighten Ridzuan’s day.

So i brought him to the esplanade….
He got so excited, dressed-up, wore his pointy shoes and coat and had a cap and sun glasses on too…

Secretly at a corner of the library, we took this shot. And i think he looks fab!

He is a fabulous kid and i believe he’d grow up to be a fine young man.

This is on our way back. He is a joy in my life when i see him gradually learning how to pursue something that means so much to him. He fights for his life and for the things that he wants. I doubt anyone, having gone through what he did, would want to continue living again. I admire his perserverance and persistency. He’s taught me what it is to be simple and easy with life. The true meaning of having loved what you have, what you are and who you are now: forgetting the past mistakes, and not worrying about the future endeavours. These have kept me thinking about the balance i need to take in my life. More work, more money, less time, less honey. Less work, less money, more time, more honey.

At the end of this day that i’ve thought through what i’ve pursued and lost, what i’ve lost but gained and what i’ve pursued and got are the things that has pushed my life forward again and again constantly, without realising that the God-factor of consistency, persistency and continually, has always been in there. Remembering it make me happy to know that God has indeed directs the paths of he who plans it.

I love God a whole great deal and despite of all the ups and downs, hee and the loudness of this small  me, i believe God has made me so, to mess up the days of the organised, to irritate the days of the bored and to brighten up the days of the sad. Haha, My birthday is coming. WHERE IS MY PRESENT???

Well, with that, i’ll end with a nice plesant poem.

A small one like me has so much in me
A big one like you might have much more in you
Dig into your soul and watch your abilities grow
Hide in your toes and see your great show!

I believe in greatness - the greatness of One
I believe in perseverance - the preserved of one
I believe in persistency - he who persists win
I believe in generosity - he who is generous does a good thing

God has indeed given us each a wonderful talent…
To some He has added more….
Prepare your craft cos one day some BIG SHOT will call you up….
To showcase your great talent!!!

God has given us gfts. We should put in the effort. Otherwise, what are you doing on EARTH!!????

I think it’s good to be in mass com. You have a mind of your own and you fight for what is right for the good of all and what’s even better is, you DO NOT conform to the society’s taste of what’s good.

I enjoy the companionship of my best friend today after prayer meeting. We had breakfast together and we went to City Plaza to shop early in the morning at 9am. I was surprised i could get some nice dresses there. Anyway, i like to talk to her. She makes me feel HEARD and does not have a judgement placed instantaneously to put right what is supposedly wrong. There is perfection in imperfection, and imperfection in perfection - that is, if you bother to find it.

Pretty much the same, the struggle of being in an organization for a good 2 years has made me become nonchalant and pretty much xian about wanting to fight for what is already deemed as “structured systems to follow”. Sorry, i hate to conform. I have a mind of my own and unless it’s a proven fact that your theories or logical sense of judgement based on experience can override my wrongs, i’ll usually just take your opinions as your opinions. Hardly, i’d succumb to listening and obeying without giving a thought about whether it is a man-made issue or a God-heart-felt issue. Many times, agenda setting is there and many a times we or rather I think too much into it.

I have a set of beliefs system and values that i hold strongly to. Seldom things will change my prespectives of it but unless a stronger experience comes my way, it usually wouldn’t be shaken. Alright, but i’ve learnt in my psycho course that opinions can be changed easily, attitudes can be influenced drastically but beliefs and values are the core foundation on how you build your life on, which, only a dramatic experience in your life COULD possibly change it.

Funny how i loved to understand how people and relationships are like cos i used to have a great group of mad friends but honestly as the years go by, the number of friends lessens….

Today at prayer meeting, as usual, with some sorta frustrations laid in front of my eye that i’ve constantly ignored, i asked God for one thing….

“God i pray that Your love will overwhelm me. I want to love.”

I didn’t think it was much of a big request but i gathered that since my greatest revelation about God is love, it could possibly be tested ALL the time and there, i asked to learn how to love. I am a mini meanie and i admit i am. Oh well, But yes, really, i am asking God to teach me how to love.

OH, btw my BROTHERS ARE attached. WAH i feel like i’m watching a show where previously we were like kids, and i went through my relationships ups and downs and shared with them, and now they’re going to walk into their beloved relationships. I AM SOO HAPPY if any of you are reading this BUT u all better thank GOD for me in your life. May your valentine’s day be so happy and lovey. I love all of you.

Okay, so well, life is fun and growing older doesn’t mean growing older in numbers. It truly means growing older in stages and in the number of experiences you go through. Some people lead a tough life because they can handle the tough nonsense and still be strong while others go through some shiok-a-na-dan life because they’re just made to enjoy a good and great life. Still, God allows the sun to shine on all of them.

Woohoo. I am going to learn how to love from today. Yes, starting off… I love God, and of course! He loves me!

I’ve been feeling this pinch of weirdness striking hard on my soul.
The heart beats faster, the mind spins longer.
I’ve been feeling so strange and queer lately.
And i am wondering if it is since now, it.

Yesterday it caught me hard
And the kanjiongness surfaced once again
Perhaps the opposite counts.
When i’m indirectly peaceful and settled.

I’m one of the learners who drive at 70-80km/h on the road.
And perhaps one of the fastest talking person too.
I’m mini and have small hands and though the song is in 60 beats per min
I could go up to 180 without even noticing it.

My heart races with time
Where effort, money and time collides
I always choose the unmistakeably wrong sign to follow.

For tonight, it came as a surprise and shock
That something left unsettled could resurface for me to settle
I had a strange thought that it’s coming back to me
Where i’ve finally, after a long time, know why.

My heart beats as my recent times got harder.
I’ve realised stability is important and consistency is recognised.
Guess i’m damn unstable and i feel it at 24.

In comparison to previous ones, they stood stable and i have no idea how they did it.
And perhaps that’s why it compliments.

I hadn’t any idea about what it is to retry and continue
But i kinda know what it is for a strike back and fall.

Okay, u don’t need to understand this post. I’m just writing my thoughts down in bits and pieces on what i’m thinking about.

I’m looking forward to greatness i guess. I hadn’t a good long time to think about it, but actually i do. Walking further on 6 and 7, i think being happy is important.

OK, this is what i’m thinking. I kinda think cos i’ve been strike with one issue this week to settle that i feel so uncomfortable with and the very person that i shared with kinda ai ya… didn’t end up that okay either. Well, it’s sad.

Just let me go through this stupid issue and let it settle before i continue thinking about what i’ve always been desiring.

Love, gene

How is a marriage affair-proof?
How is one solely committed to another?
How is love like when it’s lasted for a life time?
What is love?

Perhaps these were questions i’ve answered long time ago so confidently that such love exist all the time in my so-called environmen, and then to realise, no. I guess truth sets us free and it did set me free today. Be it in the church environment that i was referring to, or in the natural world environment that i’m being put into, i guess things do happen. I often regard that the church environment people aka christians, would exemplify some sorta christ-like love (oh yes they do of course) and some kinda long lasting relationships or marriage for good. Unfortunately, well, things do happen. Man, they do. I mean, love is indeed important and love shared among 2 persons is important. Yet how much imperfection we have in this world to affair-proof it? Man.

Privately in my mind, i always have a thought bugging me about an issue. And since good times of old that i’ve gotten 2 boyfriends and now had none, my dad spoke to me today. Alright dad, i know. I’m 24. Both my sisters are happily attached and i think they can get married soon with great joys. I love to see people being in love because i think it’s really romantic. I like it when i see Jessel and his gf so loving, Titus and his gf so happy, Sean and Estella holding each others hands in love and of course many others. OH! How can i forget, and Besty and WS being so in love. I am so happy.

I’ve gotten an understanding from my dad today about an interesting news that i’m thinking if i should even put it down here. Or rather, i think i’ll just share with my closer friends. But perhaps i do need to put it down here on my feelings of such. I am stunned actually. My dad is honest man. He shared with me his stories about his friends and their pathetic outcomes and about love, money, sex and things about what a guy thinks. OH dad..

Well, I’m hoping to get over this thought that’s been bugging me for long and the causes and reasons that are attached to it. I see similarities running in my life and i feel the wind calling out to me for a change in direction. Alright, as honest as i can be, i think i’ll change.

It’s pretty much of an ordeal for me at this time to have known the truth and to have to tell God about it when i guess He’s already known it since the beginning of my creation. Guess the person closest to me at this point in time, ain’t no other but Him.

Perhaps a struggle to know the truth today, perhaps a night of unpondered thought.
I’ve gotta go talk to someone. I suddenly feel my heart dropped and it’s coming out.
OH my gosh. Alright, what an emotional entry about my little thought struggling in its own battle for 23 years now finally surfacing with the truth at hand.

Indeed, i think i’ll take some time to get over this. AH man…

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On a happier note, V day is coming. I’m going to get rainbow flowers for myself.
AND, i’m happily going to spend time at church and then at work and then at home.
Oh how nice.